Who’s Having a Bad Day?
The homeowner…?
Or the insurance agent?
ER Visit
The other day, I had to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 6 hours, I went to the Army-Navy store, and
Bought some Army-type pants and a shirt.
Then I sewed on a couple of patches which I bought from the Internet..
It was amazing how many people left as I walked in.
I guess they suddenly decided they weren’t that sick after all..
Here is the patch that you can sew on your clothing if you are in need of
Quicker emergency service.
The Philosophy Of Dogs
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Ano nymous
Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself.
-Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made.
-M . Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never w ashed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.
-Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’
- Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
Short and Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us,
“Always try to keep the number of landings you make
equal to the number of take offs you make.”
~~~~~
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend’s house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy’s mother looked straight into his eyes and said,
“I hope you didn’t ask for a second piece of cake.”
“No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the rec! ipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking.”
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
but I didn’t get to use mine.
~~~~~
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald’s one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son,
“We should pray.”
From the back seat I heard his earnest request:
“Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around,
you’re not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
=
Wise Thoughts
Wise thoughts
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheel chairs.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins…. the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
Think about this…, No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when his team is winning.
I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Be careful reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
Best Short Joke of 2006
Nominated as the best short joke this year …
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mum,” he asked, “are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.
The Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage
|
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
13 Things PMS Stands For: 1 Pass My Shotgun 2 Psychotic Mood Shift 3 Perpetual Munching Spree 4 Puffy Mid-Section 5 People Make me Sick 6 Provide Me with Sweets 7 Pardon My Sobbing 8 Pimples May Surface 9 Pass My Sweat pants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff and my favorite one. 13. Potential Murder Suspect Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! …Or men who need a warning. And remember: Money talks …. but Chocolate SINGS!!! |
80,000 Blondes
80,000 blondes
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a, “Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention”.
The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?” A blonde gingerly works her way through
the crowd and steps up to the stage.The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?”
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!”
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance!
Give her another chance!”The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting
80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcastmedia here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.” So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?”After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?”
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened — the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
“GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?”
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?”. Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet
and scream with all their might…“GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”
Best Singles Ad Ever Printed
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It was listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I’ll be waiting….
Please scroll down !
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.
West Virginia Redneck, Is This For Real?
Dearest Redneck Daughter,
I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t
live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we
moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last West
Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not to
sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We
haven’t seen them since.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we
cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
and hot because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it
is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks
just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.
We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other
two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get
the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt, Mom